A Good Day!

Hello my fellow readers:


My apologies, but I have had a rather off weekend. But today, I felt fantastic enough to even putter about the kitchen and make some Pita Bread. Mmmmmmmm I am munching away on some as we speak, and I hope this will help me to regain the few pounds I have lost this past week.


At the moment, I must admit I am rather distracted by bed. I must start posting these blogs in the morning from now on... If I do it too close to bed time, I rarely say all that I wanted to say.


While I feel it is a victory that my body recovers so well from the chemical blasts, I know they will surely do an inventory of how well my immune system has held up. They have told me if it jumps back very well, they will increase the dosage of chemicals. This, I have to admit, is the only way to rally against the cancer cells that have invaded me.


It's interesting how much useless thought I apply to wondering if there is something I am doing that increases the cancer's growth. By not acknowledging it's presence, eating certain things, remaining positive, praying or not praying against it, imagining it disappearing or sitting and worrying that it is there, lurking. I wonder how many other people in my situation, wondering what more they can do to slow the inevitability of this disease, in addition to all that the doctors do every day to help fight it.


What strikes me to my core is that there is no quick fix for this, there never has been. If there was, I do believe it would indeed be a miracle. But I think there is a lot for me to learn in this entire situation. It's a journey I am still very much afraid to take, despite pretending to be so brave and positive. I find it interesting that nearly everyone has told me I am very brave, I am very strong, and I am doing a good job remaining positive. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for saying this to me. Perhaps if you believe this of me, I can believe it, too? I've never seen myself as the strong one, I always find it easier to bend to somebody else, I find the easier path, and I have never had to fight like this to survive.


So.


I decided today would be a day of distractions. I figure I may as well value my health while I still have it. It's hard for me to make myself just sit and enjoy every moment. I'm making it through, bit by bit, I know. I have been so used to dwelling on things from the past, as well as planning a happy future. But constantly thinking of the future makes me heartsick, because I don't know exactly what it will be. True, no one ever knows what exactly comes to them down the road, it may be something completely unexpected. For the longest time, I did try and tie all my expectations neatly into a little box, and that comforted me, thinking that things would always remain the same.


I think this is what I must learn: There is comfort in change. There's a vast amount of knowledge to be had, and it will come from places you could not have imagined before, and you may have never seen them if you were unable to change and accept that nothing is permanent; there will be many things opening up that will usher in a new age.


Well, that's probably enough rambling from me.


I think I shall go brush my teeth and go to bed, I had a very good and exhausting day today.


And you, my readers, realize where you are now and make the most of it. Understand that your life changes, and hopefully, you as well.


And all this (HAH!) without drugs.


Let's hope my words aren't the symptoms of Anti-Nausea medication withdrawal... *ahem* ... well.


I wish you all well...


Pleasant dreams!