And so it begins...

Before we get under way, I have one important thing to say: Thank YOU!! To all my readers out there, whether you've known me for some time or have just met me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words, your support, your prayers, your thoughts, and your wishes. Truly, you have made my life easier, I cannot possibly thank you enough. I am grateful for all you have given me, please know that you have helped me with this path that I have found myself on, and because of you, I feel stronger and more at peace with this direction my life has suddenly decided to go. I have been brought to tears by the immense show of support that I have been given; I can see that my family is very large, and cares for me deeply. Thank you so much for all your help!


And so: I have decided to write every day while I am receiving my doses of Chemo. Obviously this will help with my sanity, but I also wanted to branch out and find others in my same situation, and give them hope as well, or, perhaps, to find what has given them hope and strength. I started writing today because I feel the need to clear my thoughts and understand the immense emotions I feel welling inside of me. I've got two days to sort through them, wish me luck!


I'm going to also be posting a video log of my journey on Youtube, so stay tuned for some links! This, of course, might require a heck of a lot more mulling and planning on my part. Hmmmmmmm...


I've been putting this off for such a long time, because there is really so very much to try and put into words, especially as an opening. But, I figured I need to start somewhere, so I decided to go ahead and begin chipping away at all the emotions, stories, apprehensions and comprehensions before it just becomes a hard rock in the pit of my stomach.




On Wednesday, the 13th of January, at 9:00 I begin my first session of Chemotherapy. In a very odd way, I'm looking forward to it. It has to be done, there's really no other way to fix my situation but Chemotherapy. I would absolutely love for it to just start so I can gauge how my body will react to all the chemicals. I've read online so many difficult side effects that may occur with chemo, but after a nice chat with the nurses who will be administering my cocktail, I've discovered there's really not too much to be scared of. It will not be easy, by any means. But this science has progressed enough that open communication between the patient and the caregivers means a vast majority of any problem that presents itself can be worked with and perhaps completely alleviated. The first dose, my nurse informed me, is usually quite boring. It is with this first installment that they learn if my body will have any allergic reactions to it, and how it will affect my health. Each dose will of course make my health continually worse, but this is really the point, as these same chemicals will be hopefully breaking down and killing the cancer.


Also on my brain and I simply must write about is Death. I know it sounds a bit morbid and pessimistic. And I'm not feeling afraid or self pitying. Simply looking at my life where it now stands. And accepting it. I've lived so far with very good health, and everything I needed. It seems a very strange blow to suddenly find out that your body is very near to expiring. Now... I'm not going down without a fight. I'll fight this as hard as I can, and give it everything I've got. And I can see myself beating it, too. At the same time, the realization is still there that Chemo could fail. I am by no means saying it will fail: But I feel that I can look at this possibility, and grow stronger from it. I'm going to look at my treatments as a tutor, a guide that will force me to look deep within myself, my greatest fears, hopes, wishes, and desires...and go on stronger for having seen this part of me.


And I don't mean *gasp* to frighten anyone. But this is really weighing deep in my subconscious. You have been forewarned, though; this will probably be a subject that I will try to tackle often. I have never been put into a situation that I have to comprehend my mortality. I must say, a part of me finds this deeply fascinating.


Another area I wish to address is that I will be brutally honest here. I feel if I cannot have this, I have nothing. I make no apologies for it, it simply is what it is. I stress this because I have always been the one who sits back and waits to see what someone else will say. How they will react. What drives another person to complete an act. What do I wish to say... What is my reaction. What will drive me. These are things I have always been uncomfortable searching for. My own thoughts and desires have suddenly gained top priority. I cannot be anyone but myself at this point of my life.


Well now.


Time for a little something, I think. My food beckons from my Kitchen, it has been great sitting here and pouring my thoughts through my keyboard. Tomorrow I shall try to put into words the rest of my thoughts... Hopefully...
I wish all of peace and love!


I would also like to make very clear one thing. I do not want you to be afraid for me, or feel sorry for me. Instead, go out today and do something you have afraid to accomplish. Live your life. Enjoy everyone around you, and never hold yourself back! Give yourself the permission to let go of all the boundaries you have put up for yourself. Stop taking things for granted, because nothing is permanent. In this ever changing world, you might look up someday and wonder why things are not the same as you remembered, and you'll wish you had done something more. With that being said, however, I don't think it is ever too late to start.


Listen to your own voice, and start living!