Well then, I suppose I need to work on my consistency a bit, don't I. I think that would include waking up a bit earlier, though, because I don't really feel like writing at night at the moment.
I can hear Clint gibbering away in his bed, he's still sort of relaxing before the day starts as well. For that reason, I'll probably be a bit brief here, because I know Clint won't be staying in his bed for long...
I think I am a bit relieved that the Chemotherapy is not so nearly frightening as I had expected it to be. A little over a week ago, I was wondering how I would feel a week later, right about now. I am a bit apprehensive, though. They tell me the first few doses aren't so bad, it's the repeated dose after dose that starts to wear the body down. I've got to see this through to the end, but I must admit I'm a little scared to see how my body will be torn down in order to assure Cancer's death.
I've gained a little bit of weight! Well, but first I must admit, the first week caused me to loose about five pounds because nothing really felt that great going past my thick throat. But I feel... well, pretty good at the moment. And I'm drinking a few Instant Carnation Breakfasts all through out the day, as well as several snacks in addition to my routine meals. I really must put this habit to rest, though, of playing catch up after I have lost a few pounds. Today I do plan to talk to my Doctor about what I can do to keep the Nausea a bit more under control.
Another subject I wish to discuss with him is the few side effects I have seen. It's wreaked havoc on my digestive system. And that part of me was just starting to heal rather nicely before all these drugs came into play. Another disconcerting thing is I will have a bit of ringing in my ears from time to time, and I don't know if this is part of it or not, but sometimes I feel a bit dizzy, lightheaded. When I get up from a seated position, or go around a corner too fast, it feels as if my head takes a few seconds to catch up with me. A generally strange feeling.
Well, that's quite enough complaining from me, I should think.
Now, I must go and find something to eat, weigh myself on Wii Fit (Although I will be shocked if I'm any lighter after yesterday's feasting), and get Clint ready for school. And today at One (I don't believe I told you this, even though I put it as the subject of my Post. Silly Me) I will go and get a second installment of one of my Chemicals, called Navalbine.
This one must be administered once a week, a period of six doses. The other one that I am taking is taken in six doses as well, but they will give it to me once every three weeks. I forget it's name, but it's in my paperwork, somewhere.
Also mandatory are a series of lab tests, to see how my immune system has fared.
Okay, then I'm off, I think that's a sufficient update for today.
I thank you all for your love and support! I hope everyone will meet with an excellent day today. Advice for today... Well. Just have a good day. That's all I ask.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
A Good Day!
Hello my fellow readers:
My apologies, but I have had a rather off weekend. But today, I felt fantastic enough to even putter about the kitchen and make some Pita Bread. Mmmmmmmm I am munching away on some as we speak, and I hope this will help me to regain the few pounds I have lost this past week.
At the moment, I must admit I am rather distracted by bed. I must start posting these blogs in the morning from now on... If I do it too close to bed time, I rarely say all that I wanted to say.
While I feel it is a victory that my body recovers so well from the chemical blasts, I know they will surely do an inventory of how well my immune system has held up. They have told me if it jumps back very well, they will increase the dosage of chemicals. This, I have to admit, is the only way to rally against the cancer cells that have invaded me.
It's interesting how much useless thought I apply to wondering if there is something I am doing that increases the cancer's growth. By not acknowledging it's presence, eating certain things, remaining positive, praying or not praying against it, imagining it disappearing or sitting and worrying that it is there, lurking. I wonder how many other people in my situation, wondering what more they can do to slow the inevitability of this disease, in addition to all that the doctors do every day to help fight it.
What strikes me to my core is that there is no quick fix for this, there never has been. If there was, I do believe it would indeed be a miracle. But I think there is a lot for me to learn in this entire situation. It's a journey I am still very much afraid to take, despite pretending to be so brave and positive. I find it interesting that nearly everyone has told me I am very brave, I am very strong, and I am doing a good job remaining positive. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for saying this to me. Perhaps if you believe this of me, I can believe it, too? I've never seen myself as the strong one, I always find it easier to bend to somebody else, I find the easier path, and I have never had to fight like this to survive.
So.
I decided today would be a day of distractions. I figure I may as well value my health while I still have it. It's hard for me to make myself just sit and enjoy every moment. I'm making it through, bit by bit, I know. I have been so used to dwelling on things from the past, as well as planning a happy future. But constantly thinking of the future makes me heartsick, because I don't know exactly what it will be. True, no one ever knows what exactly comes to them down the road, it may be something completely unexpected. For the longest time, I did try and tie all my expectations neatly into a little box, and that comforted me, thinking that things would always remain the same.
I think this is what I must learn: There is comfort in change. There's a vast amount of knowledge to be had, and it will come from places you could not have imagined before, and you may have never seen them if you were unable to change and accept that nothing is permanent; there will be many things opening up that will usher in a new age.
Well, that's probably enough rambling from me.
I think I shall go brush my teeth and go to bed, I had a very good and exhausting day today.
And you, my readers, realize where you are now and make the most of it. Understand that your life changes, and hopefully, you as well.
And all this (HAH!) without drugs.
Let's hope my words aren't the symptoms of Anti-Nausea medication withdrawal... *ahem* ... well.
I wish you all well...
Pleasant dreams!
My apologies, but I have had a rather off weekend. But today, I felt fantastic enough to even putter about the kitchen and make some Pita Bread. Mmmmmmmm I am munching away on some as we speak, and I hope this will help me to regain the few pounds I have lost this past week.
At the moment, I must admit I am rather distracted by bed. I must start posting these blogs in the morning from now on... If I do it too close to bed time, I rarely say all that I wanted to say.
While I feel it is a victory that my body recovers so well from the chemical blasts, I know they will surely do an inventory of how well my immune system has held up. They have told me if it jumps back very well, they will increase the dosage of chemicals. This, I have to admit, is the only way to rally against the cancer cells that have invaded me.
It's interesting how much useless thought I apply to wondering if there is something I am doing that increases the cancer's growth. By not acknowledging it's presence, eating certain things, remaining positive, praying or not praying against it, imagining it disappearing or sitting and worrying that it is there, lurking. I wonder how many other people in my situation, wondering what more they can do to slow the inevitability of this disease, in addition to all that the doctors do every day to help fight it.
What strikes me to my core is that there is no quick fix for this, there never has been. If there was, I do believe it would indeed be a miracle. But I think there is a lot for me to learn in this entire situation. It's a journey I am still very much afraid to take, despite pretending to be so brave and positive. I find it interesting that nearly everyone has told me I am very brave, I am very strong, and I am doing a good job remaining positive. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for saying this to me. Perhaps if you believe this of me, I can believe it, too? I've never seen myself as the strong one, I always find it easier to bend to somebody else, I find the easier path, and I have never had to fight like this to survive.
So.
I decided today would be a day of distractions. I figure I may as well value my health while I still have it. It's hard for me to make myself just sit and enjoy every moment. I'm making it through, bit by bit, I know. I have been so used to dwelling on things from the past, as well as planning a happy future. But constantly thinking of the future makes me heartsick, because I don't know exactly what it will be. True, no one ever knows what exactly comes to them down the road, it may be something completely unexpected. For the longest time, I did try and tie all my expectations neatly into a little box, and that comforted me, thinking that things would always remain the same.
I think this is what I must learn: There is comfort in change. There's a vast amount of knowledge to be had, and it will come from places you could not have imagined before, and you may have never seen them if you were unable to change and accept that nothing is permanent; there will be many things opening up that will usher in a new age.
Well, that's probably enough rambling from me.
I think I shall go brush my teeth and go to bed, I had a very good and exhausting day today.
And you, my readers, realize where you are now and make the most of it. Understand that your life changes, and hopefully, you as well.
And all this (HAH!) without drugs.
Let's hope my words aren't the symptoms of Anti-Nausea medication withdrawal... *ahem* ... well.
I wish you all well...
Pleasant dreams!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Just before bed.
Heh.
I'm noticing, as I'm reading through my older posts that every once in a while I leave a word or two out in each sentence. Do pardon me, this is entirely unintentional. I believe this is a mistake I've made when I was entirely, well, sober. As things progress, I hope to remain able each day to record a good part of my day.
Which brings me to another point. Yesterday's blog was written while I was under heavy influence. And tonight, I fear, I have just taken another dosage of Anti-Nausea medication, which makes me rather drowsy. *Ahem* Reading over yesterday's post, it was a trifle... um, blunt, I suppose. I think my readers will have to face that fact that I'll be probably a bit more meandering and intrusive when I'm stoned. Again, a thousand pardons, but, like I've been saying, read on if you dare. I wish this to be an open book to all of my thoughts and feelings for these sessions of Chemotherapy.
So then.
One fascinating side effect of the Chemo is a very heightened sense of smell. Which adds greatly to the nausea, I would say. It does strike me as very interesting to be able to smell all the candies in their individual baggies at Wal-Mart, and when someone across the room opens their mouth to speak, I can smell every aspect of their breath. Mind you, I would not have said I had any sense of smell before this all started. I'd be the last to pick out smells of any kind. Usually, the only smells I can smell is food I have held up to my nose or the occasional very strong fragrant candle that I have to nearly insert into my nostril before I can smell it.
But now, imagine if you will, walking through the busy isles of Winco. To your right are big piles of dog food on sale, at your left are countless bakery goods, sweet and savory. Numerous milling shoppers who are chewing gum, wearing a faint amount or a monstrous quantity of cologne assail me. All these smells send so many disturbing signals through my brain at once, it shall be a journey in itself for me to get used to this new sensation.
On the other side of this is just one single smell that I can allow myself to be completely enveloped in. Oddly enough, I found myself highly interested in a slowly heating skillet that had just a spritz of Pam in it. It may sound like a very mundane thing, but I found there were very many complex, flavors, if you will, in that single smell mingled with the iron of the skillet and the heating elements of the stove burner.
And I was not so very nearly stoned this morning, when I smelled that, either.
Probably enough obsessiveness of that subject, I think.
So, I shall bring this to a close. One day, I wish to write a lot more, but I find myself very drained, lately. I slept a lot during the daylight yesterday, which always disorients me. It seems I closed my eyes several times, and was confused to find it later in the day, but not feeling any more rested.
I have a lot of thoughts always milling about in my head, and I shall have plenty of time in the future to address many of these thoughts. I think there are many frightening as well as uplifting sentiments so many people in my situation are feeling. These sorts of problems can make people so different, and can mold them into something stronger and victorious, and yet have crushed so many others into devastating pieces. This, I truly believe, is the real reason I want to write, and to express all of my feelings. There's so much to say that is so hard to put into words, but I intend to give them voice. For myself, and for all the survivors that have never expressed them, and for all that we have lost and never will be able to tell their story.
And now, I really must say, I wish to leave you, my readers.
Bed is calling, but I wanted to hang out with Clint for a little while longer. I figured he and I should time our bed times to be about the same. We both get in a bit of play time together before we both crash. Well... He doesn't so much crash when he goes to bed, but gibber away in his room until he's tired. Silly Monkey...
May each and every one of you find your true voice. It may frighten you, and you may not want to hear it. Undertake this journey, ask many questions, and listen to what it has to say. Find the "You" that has been so deeply suppressed.
And perhaps, my lucky readers, my next posting shall be when I'm sober. Just might be. Hmm... But I wouldn't bet on it.
I'm noticing, as I'm reading through my older posts that every once in a while I leave a word or two out in each sentence. Do pardon me, this is entirely unintentional. I believe this is a mistake I've made when I was entirely, well, sober. As things progress, I hope to remain able each day to record a good part of my day.
Which brings me to another point. Yesterday's blog was written while I was under heavy influence. And tonight, I fear, I have just taken another dosage of Anti-Nausea medication, which makes me rather drowsy. *Ahem* Reading over yesterday's post, it was a trifle... um, blunt, I suppose. I think my readers will have to face that fact that I'll be probably a bit more meandering and intrusive when I'm stoned. Again, a thousand pardons, but, like I've been saying, read on if you dare. I wish this to be an open book to all of my thoughts and feelings for these sessions of Chemotherapy.
So then.
One fascinating side effect of the Chemo is a very heightened sense of smell. Which adds greatly to the nausea, I would say. It does strike me as very interesting to be able to smell all the candies in their individual baggies at Wal-Mart, and when someone across the room opens their mouth to speak, I can smell every aspect of their breath. Mind you, I would not have said I had any sense of smell before this all started. I'd be the last to pick out smells of any kind. Usually, the only smells I can smell is food I have held up to my nose or the occasional very strong fragrant candle that I have to nearly insert into my nostril before I can smell it.
But now, imagine if you will, walking through the busy isles of Winco. To your right are big piles of dog food on sale, at your left are countless bakery goods, sweet and savory. Numerous milling shoppers who are chewing gum, wearing a faint amount or a monstrous quantity of cologne assail me. All these smells send so many disturbing signals through my brain at once, it shall be a journey in itself for me to get used to this new sensation.
On the other side of this is just one single smell that I can allow myself to be completely enveloped in. Oddly enough, I found myself highly interested in a slowly heating skillet that had just a spritz of Pam in it. It may sound like a very mundane thing, but I found there were very many complex, flavors, if you will, in that single smell mingled with the iron of the skillet and the heating elements of the stove burner.
And I was not so very nearly stoned this morning, when I smelled that, either.
Probably enough obsessiveness of that subject, I think.
So, I shall bring this to a close. One day, I wish to write a lot more, but I find myself very drained, lately. I slept a lot during the daylight yesterday, which always disorients me. It seems I closed my eyes several times, and was confused to find it later in the day, but not feeling any more rested.
I have a lot of thoughts always milling about in my head, and I shall have plenty of time in the future to address many of these thoughts. I think there are many frightening as well as uplifting sentiments so many people in my situation are feeling. These sorts of problems can make people so different, and can mold them into something stronger and victorious, and yet have crushed so many others into devastating pieces. This, I truly believe, is the real reason I want to write, and to express all of my feelings. There's so much to say that is so hard to put into words, but I intend to give them voice. For myself, and for all the survivors that have never expressed them, and for all that we have lost and never will be able to tell their story.
And now, I really must say, I wish to leave you, my readers.
Bed is calling, but I wanted to hang out with Clint for a little while longer. I figured he and I should time our bed times to be about the same. We both get in a bit of play time together before we both crash. Well... He doesn't so much crash when he goes to bed, but gibber away in his room until he's tired. Silly Monkey...
May each and every one of you find your true voice. It may frighten you, and you may not want to hear it. Undertake this journey, ask many questions, and listen to what it has to say. Find the "You" that has been so deeply suppressed.
And perhaps, my lucky readers, my next posting shall be when I'm sober. Just might be. Hmm... But I wouldn't bet on it.
Foraging for Breakfast...
Which is not an easy task. Actually, for the moment, I'd love more than anything not to talk about food. My Ant-Nausea medications seem to be helping somewhat, but I did have to call in for a bit of back up. Yesterday, my banana didn't make it all the way down; I was none to pleased to find myself in that state.
I did manage to get some dinner down, and this morning, I also got around to a bit to eat. I need to break it all down into munchies though. A full out meal seems a bit impossible. And where is my brain this morning? I found myself wandering around this morning wearing one slipper because I forgot to go and look for the second one. And while I set myself up with a small serving of cottage cheese I dazed off a bit and found Clint had grabbed another spoon and was helping himself to it before I could get to it.
I seem to remember saying I didn't want to talk about food, now... Hmmm...
Oh, that's right, I remember what I wanted to say. I'm very flattered by the wide range of readers that I have, I very happy you are appreciative of my daily updates. Thanks for your support, I shall try to continue recording my journey as I progress through the treatments.
I did not wake up so much... Depressed today, just tired and annoyed that my stomach still feels in a bit of a lurch. And I need to remind myself to continue to drink lots and lots of water, but even water tastes a bit weird at the moment.
Well... I have decided to cut this blog a little bit short.
I really don't know what the day will bring, all I know is I feel like lying in bed for a bit. I hear a hyper monkey downstairs squeaking as he creates only god knows what on some over sized poster paper I got him. Thank goodness Julie is here to keep him from trying to create something monstrous while I sleep. It's hard to say what lurks in his little mind.
I bid you adieu for the moment. Going to sleep.
Sleep sounds great.
Drugged... Sleepy... Partially Nauseated, but finally passing bowel movements (Oops... Sorry, that's probably way too much information).
I wish you all a good day, and I also hope you yourself can find some time to relax.
Take care, everyone.
Evie.... Out.
I did manage to get some dinner down, and this morning, I also got around to a bit to eat. I need to break it all down into munchies though. A full out meal seems a bit impossible. And where is my brain this morning? I found myself wandering around this morning wearing one slipper because I forgot to go and look for the second one. And while I set myself up with a small serving of cottage cheese I dazed off a bit and found Clint had grabbed another spoon and was helping himself to it before I could get to it.
I seem to remember saying I didn't want to talk about food, now... Hmmm...
Oh, that's right, I remember what I wanted to say. I'm very flattered by the wide range of readers that I have, I very happy you are appreciative of my daily updates. Thanks for your support, I shall try to continue recording my journey as I progress through the treatments.
I did not wake up so much... Depressed today, just tired and annoyed that my stomach still feels in a bit of a lurch. And I need to remind myself to continue to drink lots and lots of water, but even water tastes a bit weird at the moment.
Well... I have decided to cut this blog a little bit short.
I really don't know what the day will bring, all I know is I feel like lying in bed for a bit. I hear a hyper monkey downstairs squeaking as he creates only god knows what on some over sized poster paper I got him. Thank goodness Julie is here to keep him from trying to create something monstrous while I sleep. It's hard to say what lurks in his little mind.
I bid you adieu for the moment. Going to sleep.
Sleep sounds great.
Drugged... Sleepy... Partially Nauseated, but finally passing bowel movements (Oops... Sorry, that's probably way too much information).
I wish you all a good day, and I also hope you yourself can find some time to relax.
Take care, everyone.
Evie.... Out.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Life... Begins.
Ahhhhh numbness in fingers, and a general odd feeling up to my elbows. I hope this doesn't last very long?
They did say this was a side effect, and on the video, they were saying one should report this immediately, as this could progress and possibly become permanent. Illnesses like Diabetes could make things compounded. Since I am not a Diabetic, I'm hoping this is a side effect that can be managed pretty well. Let's go and do some research, shall we?
And of course, a general sense of queasiness has set in. I'm chewing on a bit of ginger as I'm typing, and I plan to have a nice bland bowl of Oatmeal for breakfast. I'm hoping to kind of go about my business as usual, before fatigue is expected to set in. Clint has two therapies here, at St. Luke's Elk's Rehab, in about half an hour. And I was really hoping to go to a second Support Group meeting today. Then there's a Chemo class this afternoon.
I'll just be listening to my body, and have my phone on hand to signal Julie if I would like to pull out and be at home instead. My rationale is I would like to remain active and living usually while I still feel like it. Fatigue? I feel generally... Tipsy, I think (Hah! This is kind of a normal feeling for me, though, I can't tell you the last time in the past few months that I've felt actually very stable).
It is a very odd feeling to know that I've just dumped quite a few chemicals into the body. Today, I plan to look for some books that are general knowledge on Chemotherapy, but I've heard that the science is constantly changing, and even some of the newer books' information are out of date. I've got a big notebook that I've been jotting down questions in, I think I'll go and pester my nurses.
Well, I've decided to go and try breakfast. Wish me luck, for I don't really want to have it come back up again. Here's hoping I can accomplish all I set out to do today.
May you all find peace and happiness today; I thank you for reading! I'm hoping I can maintain my Good Spirits and Hope... Hehehe, and that this blog doesn't turn into a Whiny list of symptoms. Butttttttt more than likely, I'm going to just write how I feel. And so far, we haven't fallen into the dumps at all. Let's up it remains that way...
Here's to my Sanity!
They did say this was a side effect, and on the video, they were saying one should report this immediately, as this could progress and possibly become permanent. Illnesses like Diabetes could make things compounded. Since I am not a Diabetic, I'm hoping this is a side effect that can be managed pretty well. Let's go and do some research, shall we?
And of course, a general sense of queasiness has set in. I'm chewing on a bit of ginger as I'm typing, and I plan to have a nice bland bowl of Oatmeal for breakfast. I'm hoping to kind of go about my business as usual, before fatigue is expected to set in. Clint has two therapies here, at St. Luke's Elk's Rehab, in about half an hour. And I was really hoping to go to a second Support Group meeting today. Then there's a Chemo class this afternoon.
I'll just be listening to my body, and have my phone on hand to signal Julie if I would like to pull out and be at home instead. My rationale is I would like to remain active and living usually while I still feel like it. Fatigue? I feel generally... Tipsy, I think (Hah! This is kind of a normal feeling for me, though, I can't tell you the last time in the past few months that I've felt actually very stable).
It is a very odd feeling to know that I've just dumped quite a few chemicals into the body. Today, I plan to look for some books that are general knowledge on Chemotherapy, but I've heard that the science is constantly changing, and even some of the newer books' information are out of date. I've got a big notebook that I've been jotting down questions in, I think I'll go and pester my nurses.
Well, I've decided to go and try breakfast. Wish me luck, for I don't really want to have it come back up again. Here's hoping I can accomplish all I set out to do today.
May you all find peace and happiness today; I thank you for reading! I'm hoping I can maintain my Good Spirits and Hope... Hehehe, and that this blog doesn't turn into a Whiny list of symptoms. Butttttttt more than likely, I'm going to just write how I feel. And so far, we haven't fallen into the dumps at all. Let's up it remains that way...
Here's to my Sanity!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
A little blurb before bed...
Well.
Chemo was not quite so boring as I had hoped, but I did learn a lot about my body today!
Suffice to say, I am deathly allergic to a certain chemical of chemo that is actually one of the most commonly used, and one of the most powerful. It really showed me my body is resilient and is still very strong. The chemical, for all you Wikipedia Buffs out there was "Paclitaxel" or simply "Taxol" to most Nurse, Doctors, Patients...
Ah well, the alternative chemicals they are giving me are just as effective, so they say.
My Doctor really laid it on the line for me, it seems. This is a rare type of tumor,that rarely gets cancer. The very cancer that arose from it is also very rare. There is a high risk that the chemotherapy might not even kill it. That, my friends, is simply the hard side of this.
But since the very slightest of Odds have been all for being against me, I feel it's my turn. I'm not paying any attention to any statistics any more, and I'm all for believing that these chemicals will do the trick and fully eradicate it from my body. The Doctor himself says that if I can kick it all out, and remain Cancer free for two years, I would be safe from any other kind of cancer coming back again, because this is just such a rare type. An added bonus, the Surgeon who took out all my tumors is very sure he got out every single last tumor. And they found no Cancer in the Lymph Nodes that they removed! A very, very good sign!
So... I shall try to update you all every evening. I am more than happy to keep everyone in the loop. The Doctors want to keep my blood flowing, so they want me to remain at least 50 to 70 percent active, as my blood will probably be lot more sluggish in as it moves throughout the body. I should think sitting on one's bum in in front of the computer screen and typing would be, at most, minimal activity...
Words of wisdom tonight?
My friends, get yourself a good night sleep.
For tomorrow, the fight continues.
Chemo was not quite so boring as I had hoped, but I did learn a lot about my body today!
Suffice to say, I am deathly allergic to a certain chemical of chemo that is actually one of the most commonly used, and one of the most powerful. It really showed me my body is resilient and is still very strong. The chemical, for all you Wikipedia Buffs out there was "Paclitaxel" or simply "Taxol" to most Nurse, Doctors, Patients...
Ah well, the alternative chemicals they are giving me are just as effective, so they say.
My Doctor really laid it on the line for me, it seems. This is a rare type of tumor,that rarely gets cancer. The very cancer that arose from it is also very rare. There is a high risk that the chemotherapy might not even kill it. That, my friends, is simply the hard side of this.
But since the very slightest of Odds have been all for being against me, I feel it's my turn. I'm not paying any attention to any statistics any more, and I'm all for believing that these chemicals will do the trick and fully eradicate it from my body. The Doctor himself says that if I can kick it all out, and remain Cancer free for two years, I would be safe from any other kind of cancer coming back again, because this is just such a rare type. An added bonus, the Surgeon who took out all my tumors is very sure he got out every single last tumor. And they found no Cancer in the Lymph Nodes that they removed! A very, very good sign!
So... I shall try to update you all every evening. I am more than happy to keep everyone in the loop. The Doctors want to keep my blood flowing, so they want me to remain at least 50 to 70 percent active, as my blood will probably be lot more sluggish in as it moves throughout the body. I should think sitting on one's bum in in front of the computer screen and typing would be, at most, minimal activity...
Words of wisdom tonight?
My friends, get yourself a good night sleep.
For tomorrow, the fight continues.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
See? I can be consistent...
Ah-Hah.
I decided to get in a little bit tonight, the night before Chemo, because I feel I would like to get a little bit in every day I've decided. Besides, I had a rather eventful day.
I discovered today that there is an entire world out there of people who enjoy talking, and who need to talk. It feels good to realize that you yourself can feel comfortable opening up and expressing what you feel, be it fears, joys, sorrows, or battles of your own. And listening to someone else open up and share what they feel is really like giving them a gift.
So, yes, I'm so very proud of myself for making friends.
Today I went into Meridian to receive another CT Scan, as my Doctor was a little concerned about some pain I was still experiencing in my abdomen (I really hope it's just residual inflammation from the last surgery... But we'll have to wait for results!), and I am finding the hospital atmosphere a lot more easy to face. Those chemicals they give you so that they can light up your insides are still nasty as anything, though... Bleeeeeaaaaachhhhh I'm still burping up bubbles of metallic Sprite. I really wish they would mix the concoction with something not so sweet. But, what can you do. There are probably worse ways to get the Chemicals down, I'm lucky.
I think what is very important to me at this moment is not feeling quite so isolated. I did go to a support group at my Clinic last Thursday, and it felt great to reach out and find others with my condition. Some were a lot worse off than I was, too. The camaraderie of all those involved was really a very interesting atmosphere. To be in a room with quite a few individuals who are battling this scary prospect opened up many doors to me. Everybody says just what they think, without any judgments passed. No one blames you for extreme emotions, mindless paranoia, or unexplainable sorrows.
And while going to receive my CT Scan, I found a friend in the most unlikely of places. A clerk in a sex shop today helped me by telling me her story of how she had a hysterectomy and a partial mastectomy due to cancer, all at age 25. And she is now 10 years cancer free! She also invited me to come back at any time, to talk to someone when I just needed someone to just sit and listen. It made me realize there are a wealth of people in this area to connect to, I don't have to sit at home in a little box, waiting for the storm to blow over! I can gain strength from the knowledge that people have dealt with this, continue to deal with this and live. And I will join the ranks of numerous cancer survivors not just world wide, but many of them that I probably pass on the street every day and not even realize the struggles they have won.
So.
My challenge to you is to look at your fellow man with a different perspective. Me, I would be the first to admit my pessimism. For years, I have been quite comfortable to just watch and observe all those around me, it has served me well as it is very comfortable.
But get out of your comfort zones! Find someone who desperately needs to share their story, and who will feel enriched by having heard yours. You will never know until you take that first step, and venture into entirely new areas with this adventurous conversation.
Be more connected to those around you, even dare to view the world around you with love. You may feel that everything around you is capsizing and not worth salvaging. But if we all begin to care more about each other, we can work together to make this a better place.
I, for one, am going to try and better my surroundings.
I decided to get in a little bit tonight, the night before Chemo, because I feel I would like to get a little bit in every day I've decided. Besides, I had a rather eventful day.
I discovered today that there is an entire world out there of people who enjoy talking, and who need to talk. It feels good to realize that you yourself can feel comfortable opening up and expressing what you feel, be it fears, joys, sorrows, or battles of your own. And listening to someone else open up and share what they feel is really like giving them a gift.
So, yes, I'm so very proud of myself for making friends.
Today I went into Meridian to receive another CT Scan, as my Doctor was a little concerned about some pain I was still experiencing in my abdomen (I really hope it's just residual inflammation from the last surgery... But we'll have to wait for results!), and I am finding the hospital atmosphere a lot more easy to face. Those chemicals they give you so that they can light up your insides are still nasty as anything, though... Bleeeeeaaaaachhhhh I'm still burping up bubbles of metallic Sprite. I really wish they would mix the concoction with something not so sweet. But, what can you do. There are probably worse ways to get the Chemicals down, I'm lucky.
I think what is very important to me at this moment is not feeling quite so isolated. I did go to a support group at my Clinic last Thursday, and it felt great to reach out and find others with my condition. Some were a lot worse off than I was, too. The camaraderie of all those involved was really a very interesting atmosphere. To be in a room with quite a few individuals who are battling this scary prospect opened up many doors to me. Everybody says just what they think, without any judgments passed. No one blames you for extreme emotions, mindless paranoia, or unexplainable sorrows.
And while going to receive my CT Scan, I found a friend in the most unlikely of places. A clerk in a sex shop today helped me by telling me her story of how she had a hysterectomy and a partial mastectomy due to cancer, all at age 25. And she is now 10 years cancer free! She also invited me to come back at any time, to talk to someone when I just needed someone to just sit and listen. It made me realize there are a wealth of people in this area to connect to, I don't have to sit at home in a little box, waiting for the storm to blow over! I can gain strength from the knowledge that people have dealt with this, continue to deal with this and live. And I will join the ranks of numerous cancer survivors not just world wide, but many of them that I probably pass on the street every day and not even realize the struggles they have won.
So.
My challenge to you is to look at your fellow man with a different perspective. Me, I would be the first to admit my pessimism. For years, I have been quite comfortable to just watch and observe all those around me, it has served me well as it is very comfortable.
But get out of your comfort zones! Find someone who desperately needs to share their story, and who will feel enriched by having heard yours. You will never know until you take that first step, and venture into entirely new areas with this adventurous conversation.
Be more connected to those around you, even dare to view the world around you with love. You may feel that everything around you is capsizing and not worth salvaging. But if we all begin to care more about each other, we can work together to make this a better place.
I, for one, am going to try and better my surroundings.
Monday, January 11, 2010
And so it begins...
Before we get under way, I have one important thing to say: Thank YOU!! To all my readers out there, whether you've known me for some time or have just met me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words, your support, your prayers, your thoughts, and your wishes. Truly, you have made my life easier, I cannot possibly thank you enough. I am grateful for all you have given me, please know that you have helped me with this path that I have found myself on, and because of you, I feel stronger and more at peace with this direction my life has suddenly decided to go. I have been brought to tears by the immense show of support that I have been given; I can see that my family is very large, and cares for me deeply. Thank you so much for all your help!
And so: I have decided to write every day while I am receiving my doses of Chemo. Obviously this will help with my sanity, but I also wanted to branch out and find others in my same situation, and give them hope as well, or, perhaps, to find what has given them hope and strength. I started writing today because I feel the need to clear my thoughts and understand the immense emotions I feel welling inside of me. I've got two days to sort through them, wish me luck!
I'm going to also be posting a video log of my journey on Youtube, so stay tuned for some links! This, of course, might require a heck of a lot more mulling and planning on my part. Hmmmmmmm...
I've been putting this off for such a long time, because there is really so very much to try and put into words, especially as an opening. But, I figured I need to start somewhere, so I decided to go ahead and begin chipping away at all the emotions, stories, apprehensions and comprehensions before it just becomes a hard rock in the pit of my stomach.
On Wednesday, the 13th of January, at 9:00 I begin my first session of Chemotherapy. In a very odd way, I'm looking forward to it. It has to be done, there's really no other way to fix my situation but Chemotherapy. I would absolutely love for it to just start so I can gauge how my body will react to all the chemicals. I've read online so many difficult side effects that may occur with chemo, but after a nice chat with the nurses who will be administering my cocktail, I've discovered there's really not too much to be scared of. It will not be easy, by any means. But this science has progressed enough that open communication between the patient and the caregivers means a vast majority of any problem that presents itself can be worked with and perhaps completely alleviated. The first dose, my nurse informed me, is usually quite boring. It is with this first installment that they learn if my body will have any allergic reactions to it, and how it will affect my health. Each dose will of course make my health continually worse, but this is really the point, as these same chemicals will be hopefully breaking down and killing the cancer.
Also on my brain and I simply must write about is Death. I know it sounds a bit morbid and pessimistic. And I'm not feeling afraid or self pitying. Simply looking at my life where it now stands. And accepting it. I've lived so far with very good health, and everything I needed. It seems a very strange blow to suddenly find out that your body is very near to expiring. Now... I'm not going down without a fight. I'll fight this as hard as I can, and give it everything I've got. And I can see myself beating it, too. At the same time, the realization is still there that Chemo could fail. I am by no means saying it will fail: But I feel that I can look at this possibility, and grow stronger from it. I'm going to look at my treatments as a tutor, a guide that will force me to look deep within myself, my greatest fears, hopes, wishes, and desires...and go on stronger for having seen this part of me.
And I don't mean *gasp* to frighten anyone. But this is really weighing deep in my subconscious. You have been forewarned, though; this will probably be a subject that I will try to tackle often. I have never been put into a situation that I have to comprehend my mortality. I must say, a part of me finds this deeply fascinating.
Another area I wish to address is that I will be brutally honest here. I feel if I cannot have this, I have nothing. I make no apologies for it, it simply is what it is. I stress this because I have always been the one who sits back and waits to see what someone else will say. How they will react. What drives another person to complete an act. What do I wish to say... What is my reaction. What will drive me. These are things I have always been uncomfortable searching for. My own thoughts and desires have suddenly gained top priority. I cannot be anyone but myself at this point of my life.
Well now.
Time for a little something, I think. My food beckons from my Kitchen, it has been great sitting here and pouring my thoughts through my keyboard. Tomorrow I shall try to put into words the rest of my thoughts... Hopefully...
I wish all of peace and love!
I would also like to make very clear one thing. I do not want you to be afraid for me, or feel sorry for me. Instead, go out today and do something you have afraid to accomplish. Live your life. Enjoy everyone around you, and never hold yourself back! Give yourself the permission to let go of all the boundaries you have put up for yourself. Stop taking things for granted, because nothing is permanent. In this ever changing world, you might look up someday and wonder why things are not the same as you remembered, and you'll wish you had done something more. With that being said, however, I don't think it is ever too late to start.
Listen to your own voice, and start living!
And so: I have decided to write every day while I am receiving my doses of Chemo. Obviously this will help with my sanity, but I also wanted to branch out and find others in my same situation, and give them hope as well, or, perhaps, to find what has given them hope and strength. I started writing today because I feel the need to clear my thoughts and understand the immense emotions I feel welling inside of me. I've got two days to sort through them, wish me luck!
I'm going to also be posting a video log of my journey on Youtube, so stay tuned for some links! This, of course, might require a heck of a lot more mulling and planning on my part. Hmmmmmmm...
I've been putting this off for such a long time, because there is really so very much to try and put into words, especially as an opening. But, I figured I need to start somewhere, so I decided to go ahead and begin chipping away at all the emotions, stories, apprehensions and comprehensions before it just becomes a hard rock in the pit of my stomach.
On Wednesday, the 13th of January, at 9:00 I begin my first session of Chemotherapy. In a very odd way, I'm looking forward to it. It has to be done, there's really no other way to fix my situation but Chemotherapy. I would absolutely love for it to just start so I can gauge how my body will react to all the chemicals. I've read online so many difficult side effects that may occur with chemo, but after a nice chat with the nurses who will be administering my cocktail, I've discovered there's really not too much to be scared of. It will not be easy, by any means. But this science has progressed enough that open communication between the patient and the caregivers means a vast majority of any problem that presents itself can be worked with and perhaps completely alleviated. The first dose, my nurse informed me, is usually quite boring. It is with this first installment that they learn if my body will have any allergic reactions to it, and how it will affect my health. Each dose will of course make my health continually worse, but this is really the point, as these same chemicals will be hopefully breaking down and killing the cancer.
Also on my brain and I simply must write about is Death. I know it sounds a bit morbid and pessimistic. And I'm not feeling afraid or self pitying. Simply looking at my life where it now stands. And accepting it. I've lived so far with very good health, and everything I needed. It seems a very strange blow to suddenly find out that your body is very near to expiring. Now... I'm not going down without a fight. I'll fight this as hard as I can, and give it everything I've got. And I can see myself beating it, too. At the same time, the realization is still there that Chemo could fail. I am by no means saying it will fail: But I feel that I can look at this possibility, and grow stronger from it. I'm going to look at my treatments as a tutor, a guide that will force me to look deep within myself, my greatest fears, hopes, wishes, and desires...and go on stronger for having seen this part of me.
And I don't mean *gasp* to frighten anyone. But this is really weighing deep in my subconscious. You have been forewarned, though; this will probably be a subject that I will try to tackle often. I have never been put into a situation that I have to comprehend my mortality. I must say, a part of me finds this deeply fascinating.
Another area I wish to address is that I will be brutally honest here. I feel if I cannot have this, I have nothing. I make no apologies for it, it simply is what it is. I stress this because I have always been the one who sits back and waits to see what someone else will say. How they will react. What drives another person to complete an act. What do I wish to say... What is my reaction. What will drive me. These are things I have always been uncomfortable searching for. My own thoughts and desires have suddenly gained top priority. I cannot be anyone but myself at this point of my life.
Well now.
Time for a little something, I think. My food beckons from my Kitchen, it has been great sitting here and pouring my thoughts through my keyboard. Tomorrow I shall try to put into words the rest of my thoughts... Hopefully...
I wish all of peace and love!
I would also like to make very clear one thing. I do not want you to be afraid for me, or feel sorry for me. Instead, go out today and do something you have afraid to accomplish. Live your life. Enjoy everyone around you, and never hold yourself back! Give yourself the permission to let go of all the boundaries you have put up for yourself. Stop taking things for granted, because nothing is permanent. In this ever changing world, you might look up someday and wonder why things are not the same as you remembered, and you'll wish you had done something more. With that being said, however, I don't think it is ever too late to start.
Listen to your own voice, and start living!
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